Choose wisely!

Over the past several weeks I've been sinking into a lonely, angry hole.  I guess it started with exhaustion and overwhelming stress.  I can usually hold everything together in the midst of chaos, but only for a time. My limit was reached weeks ago and I was running on fumes.  So, instead of organizing, delegating and orchestrating plans to keep this ship afloat, I started shutting down.  Zoning out in front of the TV (news) and the computer are my default brain settings.  The kids are fed, the house is kept, at least to a minimum, and no one is dying, but my communication skills had completely shut down (I know, can you believe it) and I've closely resembled Adam Sandler in the movie "Click".  Tweeting and Facebooking are great outlets for getting trivial things off my mind but the real issues are always lurking beneath the surface and , eventually, they start to contaminate even the trivial things.

I could feel myself becoming annoyed and frustrated with people that, frankly, don't even matter. I'm already pretty sarcastic in humor but find myself crossing the line to condescending and taking little jabs at folks.  It may be funny at the time, but knowing who I am and having an over awareness of my own heart, I know that making myself laugh and feel better at someone else's expense is just inappropriate. (Unless it's Gramma ;)

I've been vaguely aware of what's going on around me over the past three weeks of "auto pilot" but I haven't been involved.  I woke up sick this morning and even have cold sores starting around my mouth.  (I've got a great home remedy for that, by the way.) A clear sign that I've not been taking care of myself, physically or emotionally.  I was already feeling a little guilty about the situation, and growing increasingly angry at John for working all hours of the day and night, and then Gramma was staring at me for a while across the table.  The usual sarcastic thought crossed my mind "Am I about to burst into flames?"  But then I had another thought "Would anyone even notice if I burst into flames?"  And there it was, the real issues had breached the surface!!!  Recognizing the real issue gave way to more issues.  As they flowed, so did anger and lies that had been planted somewhere along the way.  I was all in a tiff and started thinking about how "I just need time for ME!" and "What about ME!" and "ME ME ME!"  "I've never had my own identity!  I need intellectual conversation (mommy, daddy, poo poo, potty, night night, no no...)! I need real romance!  I've been taking care of children since my teens, I deserve to have my own life!"  Get the picture?

You know what's good about knowing the truth? And when I say knowing, I don't mean "Having heard at some time by some person."  No, I mean KNOWING the PERSON that IS TRUTH!  You just can't get away with believing the lies!  As quickly as the "stuff" started surfacing, the truth came with it.  There were definitely a few minutes of excusing my stinky thoughts with "BUT...ME!".  I prayed and asked God to forgive me for being selfish and for allowing the things of the world to come in deeper than the things God. Temptations are great when we are selfish.  We all know the moms that have dumped their families and run off into the sunset with some guy.  We've judged them and expressed how we just couldn't imagine doing such a thing.  "What about the children?"  But how many of you have ever had the thought cross your mind?  How close to the edge are any one of us at any time?  Doesn't the word say that if you think something you have already done it? (See Matthew 5:28)  I know I've been there.  We should all have gouged our eyes out a long time ago!  But what is the difference between those of us who persevere and those that give in to the lies and temptations?  It is simply, choices!  We choose what things we will think on, look at, listen to, speak of and which way we will go when we get there.  I've been very close to letting myself dwell long enough on a planted thought for it to bear fruit.  Manipulating circumstances to go in favor of things "just happening".   I've even found myself angry at other people in order to make it their fault I feel a certain way.  I'm just being real here.  Trust me, I've counseled enough women to know that I'm not the only one.  My whole platform has always been REALITY.  Bringing out the things no one else wants to admit. 

I'm happy to report that I have set myself free and chosen to plug back into the things that are important (after I finish blogging) and get some rest, if that is possible.  My twitter addiction will subside when the newness wears off or someone makes me mad and you'll all have to wait for me to blog to get my "mom moments"!  I pray you'll be real with yourself and those around you.  I understand edicate and the time and place for everything, but don't kid yourself.  Be real. Things do happen TO us sometimes, but the rest of our lives are based on our choices and reactions.  One of my favorite things to say is "It just is what it is!"  Control the things you do have power over.  Choose wisely.

One kid's trash is another mother's trash!

Where do my kids get all of this random stuff from?  Toys, paper junk, clothes, tools, electronic parts and hardware!  I think I've figured it out.  There is a secret place where kids go and trade one sock for desired goods!! That HAS to be it.  Finding it would require following my boys out into the woods, past the creek, through the poison ivy and mud to who knows where!!!  If we all agree to mark our kids' stuff and start an online "lost and found" for mothers, we might get all our missing socks back!

I just wanna praise Him!

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

1 Thessalonians 5:18

I need to describe my day for the simple purpose of getting it from the inside to the outside without any type of hazmat team required to clean up the mess. I’ll not get into the past two weeks, or even yesterday, but the past weeks can be summed up by the events of just today. Yet, at the end of every day, “I just wanna praise Him!”

I woke up at 6am to get four of the children to Covington for school. Jacob is struggling with “school life” and I have to physically remove him from his bed, dress him, fix breakfast and lunches, and then physically place Jacob in the car and then remove him from the car and place him on the steps of the school.

From there, I went back home to Social Circle to pick up my very dangerous van to drop off back in Conyers to find out why it was rattling like a dump truck. Before leaving, I had to strip Gramma’s bed, clean and dress her and clean the puddle of urine off of the floor. Maddie, Sarah and Gramma were home with a hired sitter for the morning. Four hours and $303.00 later, I had ONE new tire and they had all been rotated and balanced.

Since it was a half day at school, John had to pick up the kids, but then had an emergency and to met me with them. Then back home to fix lunch and get some chores done. 30 min after arriving home, Gramma flips out on Emily (again) and I have to forcibly put her in her room, at which point she begins attacking me, scratching, pinching and then harming herself by trying to slam her own hands in the door. With the screaming and violence, I decided to call her doctor. “Call 911!” was the response I got. Given the few weeks I’d had, I decided it was not a good idea to call 911. First, it would make me look bad, second, it was bad for the kids. I battled her to the car and took her to the ER. Thankfully, my dear friend Gloria showed up after a while to help the kids at home.

While at the hospital, they discovered a very mild UTI and handed me a phone number to call on Monday. (?) Now what? A shot of Ativan and back to the car. Gramma still dressed in her gown because her pants had gotten wet.

Arriving home, I had to load all of the children up into the van and make a two hour trip to Canton to bring Sam, Nathan and Emily to their dad and give up my dog of almost 2 years. She had begun biting neighbor’s children and they were threatening to report us. I love my dog, but I don’t want to put anyone in jeopardy or go to jail. So in the van are my 7 children, a dog and a doped up elderly woman with dementia in a hospital gown. I’m exhausted at this point and have already gotten the news that John will be late because one of his men on the railroad their own emergency and he had to finish up the work.

On the way to Canton I discovered that Sarah was wearing a dress but had no panties on. Not to mention the fact that I had forgotten to bring any diapers for Maddie on this 4-5 hour journey. (Mother of the year) Although I am driving with newly balanced tires, the van is now so far out of alignment that it is practically swaying from side to side as I tried to steer. Then the "low tire pressure" light came on! Meanwhile, the kids were screaming and fighting and Gramma was talking incessantly. The 30 minute stand-still traffic jam didn’t help.  Although, I was convicted for feeling annoyed at traffic when someone’s life had just been altered by a terrible accident.

We made it to Woodstock and hit a nasty thunderstorm. The rain was so heavy I could not see and slowed to a crawl. We finally crawled into Canton and made it to the kids’ dad’s house. I dropped off some kids and my beloved dog, Hollie, and headed home.

The little ones were over it by now and I had to stop at Chick Fil-A for a bite. I pulled over and ran back and forth with food and drinks for the kids. Then Sarah says “I have to pee!” Ok, this is not a possible situation. I can’t leave Gramma in the van with Jake and Maddie, but I can’t bring them all in either. I decided to convince Sarah that she did not have to pee! My plan worked! I got a few miles down the road and Maddie started screaming “THIRSTY”! So I pulled over again and gave everyone another drink.  Every 30 seconds Gramma was trying to give someone her fries, then she was pulling the lids off of the drinks and then she agte my sandwich.

On the road again! By the time I reached I-20 home, I was exhausted and almost tearful. I knew my house was a mess and there were flies everywhere and my children still needed diapers and I’d have to get Gramma changed and in bed and so on. I was beginning to get overwhelmed and turned on 104.7 the Fish. Mary Mary’s “Shakles” was playing and I remembered that I just wanted to praise Him!!! So I did! Chains fell off and I felt relieved. I remembered what I was thankful for. About that time I came into Covington and my eye randomly started burning and tearing until I couldn’t see out of it. I almost pulled over, but I prayed and said “Lord, I need my eye!” It cleared up! Then I drove into another terrible storm and my wipers weren’t working properly. Whatever, I just wanna praise Him! I praised us the rest of the way home.

I made it home, I got Gramma in bed, John put the little ones down and now I’m blogging! Ahhhh…thank the Lord I made it home, safely, with my children and Gramma. Thank you ,Lord! I get to wake up tomorrow and live another day, God willing, and praise Him AGAIN! This IS the day that the Lord has made, I DID rejoice and be glad, Amen!

Treasures from Heaven!

...“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed..." Luke 10:41-42

What a productive week I've had, beginning Saturday when I began caring for my friend's garden on her farm.  Up early in the morning so I can get out and pick tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, peppers, figs and so on.  Collecting this much produce means having a way to keep it, so I took up canning and preserving jams!  I've worked hard, caring for the garden and weeding where I can and then coming home and spending all day canning.  Ayana has been caring for the little ones while I manage the food and cleaning of the house. 

When I finally finished canning today, I took the opportunity to clean.  I washed windows, cabinets, toilets, counters, swept floors, etc.   I had been listening to the news while I cleaned and felt all tense inside.  I decided I needed to change the atmosphere of my heart so I turned on some worship music from a "WOW" cd.  I was down on the floor scrubbing some spots out of the linoleum when the song "Cinderella" came on, by Steven Curtis Chapman.  As I listened and sang along I found myself crying.  It was almost eight o clock at night and my kids were upstairs in my room watching a movie while I was scrubbing floors.  I'd worked all day on canning and cooking, without spending any time with the kids and I took the last of my free time to clean my house.  Giving my house and my anxiety more attention than my children. I sang the words "'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight, And she'll be gone..." and I broke down.  I thought more of my 15 and 12 year old girls than anything.  I decided to take the rest of the evening to hang with my kids, even though three of them weren't here. 

I gave the baby girls a bath and sat in my room watching Jake dance (like a professional) to "Step Up 3".  The little ones played and Ayana talked about how she wished she could be a dancer like the people on TV.  I recorded the kids on video before they went to bed.  I've spent the remainder of the night listening to some good teachings and preachings on TV and filling my heart with treasures from Heaven!  Like my kids, seven treasures from Heaven!

Why bother?

Why do I bother buying toys when all they want to play with is the dishes and boxes???   Then I waste my money buying clothes and diapers that they won't wear!!! And then there's the cleaning...

Who says?

 "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" ...
Matthew 4:4


In my quest for healing and restoration, there are certain truths that have stood out to me in His Word that I suddenly see differently than I did before.  If I was to rephrase that scripture, it could say "without every word that comes from the mouth of God, MAN SHALL NOT LIVE..."  Eating bread or nourishing our physical bodies, does not produce life.  That is interesting because I spend an awful lot of time focusing on what I eat, what I should eat, what I want to eat, what I have eaten and what I should not have eaten!!!!  Eating God's Word produces life.  Hmmm...fasting makes a lot of sense in this perspective.  Eating disorders anyone???


Being a mom is hard enough without the constant opinions of other people.  Everyone has "wisdom" for us in the way we handle our children, cleaning, family, husband, or even our own opinions!  The words of others can become overwhelming as we measure ourselves against them.  We begin to mold the way we look, the way we think and the way we act based upon the things other people say and do.  If someone challenges us, we become defensive and take the challenge as a personal attack.  When I say "we", I am simply referring to the unhealed areas of the hearts of the typical mom!  Even the typical Christian mom. 


God has been dealing with me in this area.  While I think I am confident and others percieve me as being so, I hadn't realized the amount of value I put on the words of other people.  Social networking has contributed to the business of "word value".  Over time, I've become more and more "fired up" as I interperet comments, posts and responses to issues.  Forming opinions about those poeple and myself, based upon the constant flow of WORDS.  Whether just checking in periodically or spending my "off days" escaping my household noise on the computer, every word typed or spoken takes root. 

Joshua 1:8 This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.

Whatever we meditate on is the way we will direct our success or our desire for success.  Have you changed the way you parent or the way you percieve yourself based upon the opinions or judgements of another person?  Before making this change, did you meditate on the Word of God?  Neither did I!!! 

I had a dream with many parts the other night.  I knew the dream was supernatural and there were some demonic implications.  In one scenario of the dream, I had become aware of a demonic "source" and began to pick up statues and throw them to the ground because I had identified them as gods.  I kept saying "we have to get these out of here, they are gods."  The dream stuck with me and I couldn't figure out what these "gods" were.  A couple of days later I had a prayer deliverance appointment with my favorite counseler!!!  In prayer, God was able to show me how guilt and condemnation had been woven into every peice of fabric in my heart.  Pulling that thread of guilt unraveled a whole pattern that the enemy had woven together as a rope of bondage that was holding me back.  Pastor Scott asked me "Where is God taking you?"  and I was brought back to that dream of throwing the idols on the ground.  He asked me what God was telling me and this is what He clearly said "You have made people's words gods above me and my word!"  Now this is hard to take because I KNOW God's word.  I know His truth and I believe and proclaim it as truth, but I had not put His truth ABOVE others.  I am quickly reminded of the first AND second commandments!

Exodus 20

1. "...You shall have no other gods before Me.

2. "...For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God..."

In addition, the Bible says; In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  1John 1:1

So who's words have I made my god???

For the past two days, God has been trying to speak to me through a song stuck in my head by an unlikely source!!!  It's long, but I think it's worth it to post the words to this song.

"Who Says" by Selena Gomez:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzE1mX4Px0I

Wouldn't wanna be anybody else, hey.

You made me insecure,

Told me I wasn't good enough.

But who are you to judge,

When you're a diamond in the rough.

I'm sure you got somethings,

You'd like to change about yourself.

But when it comes to me,

I wouldn't wanna be anybody else

I'm no beauty queen,

I'm just beautiful me.

You've got every right,

To a beautiful life.

Come on!

Who says,

Who says you're not perfect,

Who says you're not worth it,

Who says you're the only one that's hurting,

Trust me,

That's the price of beauty,

Who says you're not pretty,

Who says your not beautiful,

Who says?

It's such a funny thing,

How nothings funny when it's you.

You tell me whatcha mean,

But they keep whiting out the truth.

It's like a work of art,

That never gets to see the light.

Keep you beneath the stars,

Won't let you touch the sky.

Who says you're not star potential,

Who says you're not presidential,

Who says you can't be in movies,

Listen to me, listen to me,

Who says you don't past the test,

Who says you can't be the best.

Who said,

Who said,

Would you tell me who said that,

Yeah~

Who said?

I'll tell you who said, God said...

John 1:12 You are His child.Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God

John 15:15 You are a friend of Jesus Christ.I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 You have been bought with a price, you belong to God.Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Ephesians 1:4-8You have been chosen.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

John 15:16

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

Ephesians 2:10 You were made BY God.

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Philippians 4:13 There is nothing you cannot do.I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Psalm 139:14 You are wonderully made!

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,

Jeremiah 1:5 He has always known you.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

These are the things we ought to learn and pass on to our children.  If we tell them something but don't believe for ourselves what we tell them, they will get mixed messages. 


My faith is affected by the words I choose to read and listen to.  Where does my faith come from?  "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God!"  Romans 10:17


Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.  Philippians 4:8

Pressing onward toward the goal...

2 Timothy 2:3-15
   Share in suffering like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving in the army gets entangled in everyday affairs; the soldier’s aim is to please the enlisting officer. And in the case of an athlete, no one is crowned without competing according to the rules. It is the farmer who does the work who ought to have the first share of the crops. Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in all things.


      There is almost not a day that goes by that I don't hear the words "I don't know how you do it!".  To be honest, it makes me question myself!  How do I DO I do it?  When that overwhelming thought enters my mind, I have to push passed it quickly before I freeze!  My thought is "I have no choice, so I do it!" 


     There is nothing perfect about the way I handle my life and there is nothing admirable about caring for your family, it's what we are supposed to do!  I spend many days questioning the quality of my "work"!  Finding myself sleepless as I account for the way I handled, or didn't handle, the events of the day and the needs of my family. "Did I even make eye contact with Nathan today?  Did I touch Jacob or hug him?  Have I said anything encouraging to Emily?  Did I ignore Gramma when she had something valid to say?  Does Maddie think Ayana is her mother?  Does Ayana feel like Cinderella?  Have I listened to anything Sam had to say today? Am I the reason Sarah screams from sun up to sun down?  Have I forgotten to mention anyone on this list?" I could go on and on.


    Gramma has reached an aggressive, angry stage of dementia.  She has accident's all day long, she gets into food, chemicals, drawers and whatever else you might expect a two year old to get into. I'm just thankful she can't climb!  With anger and confusion, coupled with her unintentional "menacing" behavior, she is a full time job all by herself. 


The average day might be look like this:
Sarah and Maddie wake up screaming
Jacob, Maddie and Sarah whine and cry until they get breakfast
Diapers are changed, laundry, dishes and cleaning begin
Change dress and feed Gramma
Older children begin asking "can i go here, can i go there, can i do this or that?
Bickering begins immediately
I have to make a grocery list and use ads and coupons
I have to make a menu
I have to grocery shop
I've got to time naps and grocery shopping so Ayana is not overwhelmed with all of the little ones and Gramma
lunch time, clean up, nap time, laundry, diapers, gramma's shower, put gramma's clothes back in her drawer
keep gramma from wandering outside between kids in and out
make sure gramma hasn't taken off her diaper and peed everywhere (or the other)
keep maddie off of the stairs
supervise chores
prepare for dinner, cook and serve dinner, clean up dinner
get kids and gramma dressed and ready for bed, replace gramma's washed bedding and give her medicine
clean up after kids are in bed
*all three little ones scream, yell, destroy and fight from morning til night. this aggitates gramma and she yells at me all day long


    This does not include finances, going to church, driving kids to school or testing, doctors, selling gramma's house, dealing with emergencies or any other routine situation.


    I am very hard on myself!  I feel my house should be clean, my kids should be clean and well dressed, I should be calm and have a great attitude and I should be fit and thin!!!!  Instead of focusing on the accomplishments of the day, I break myself apart in failure!!!  What counterproductive thing to do!!!  On the outside though, I smile and try to speak positive and hold it all together.  For the sake of my kids mostly.


    People look at me and think I've got it so together!  I don't! Come and be a fly on the wall.  It's by HIS Grace alone that I make it through each day!  Focusing on what today brings so that tomorrow will be worth looking forward to.  My goal is to do God's will.  That's it!  Whether I do it perfectly or not was never the requirement!