Over the past several weeks I've been sinking into a lonely, angry hole. I guess it started with exhaustion and overwhelming stress. I can usually hold everything together in the midst of chaos, but only for a time. My limit was reached weeks ago and I was running on fumes. So, instead of organizing, delegating and orchestrating plans to keep this ship afloat, I started shutting down. Zoning out in front of the TV (news) and the computer are my default brain settings. The kids are fed, the house is kept, at least to a minimum, and no one is dying, but my communication skills had completely shut down (I know, can you believe it) and I've closely resembled Adam Sandler in the movie "Click". Tweeting and Facebooking are great outlets for getting trivial things off my mind but the real issues are always lurking beneath the surface and , eventually, they start to contaminate even the trivial things.
I could feel myself becoming annoyed and frustrated with people that, frankly, don't even matter. I'm already pretty sarcastic in humor but find myself crossing the line to condescending and taking little jabs at folks. It may be funny at the time, but knowing who I am and having an over awareness of my own heart, I know that making myself laugh and feel better at someone else's expense is just inappropriate. (Unless it's Gramma ;)
I've been vaguely aware of what's going on around me over the past three weeks of "auto pilot" but I haven't been involved. I woke up sick this morning and even have cold sores starting around my mouth. (I've got a great home remedy for that, by the way.) A clear sign that I've not been taking care of myself, physically or emotionally. I was already feeling a little guilty about the situation, and growing increasingly angry at John for working all hours of the day and night, and then Gramma was staring at me for a while across the table. The usual sarcastic thought crossed my mind "Am I about to burst into flames?" But then I had another thought "Would anyone even notice if I burst into flames?" And there it was, the real issues had breached the surface!!! Recognizing the real issue gave way to more issues. As they flowed, so did anger and lies that had been planted somewhere along the way. I was all in a tiff and started thinking about how "I just need time for ME!" and "What about ME!" and "ME ME ME!" "I've never had my own identity! I need intellectual conversation (mommy, daddy, poo poo, potty, night night, no no...)! I need real romance! I've been taking care of children since my teens, I deserve to have my own life!" Get the picture?
You know what's good about knowing the truth? And when I say knowing, I don't mean "Having heard at some time by some person." No, I mean KNOWING the PERSON that IS TRUTH! You just can't get away with believing the lies! As quickly as the "stuff" started surfacing, the truth came with it. There were definitely a few minutes of excusing my stinky thoughts with "BUT...ME!". I prayed and asked God to forgive me for being selfish and for allowing the things of the world to come in deeper than the things God. Temptations are great when we are selfish. We all know the moms that have dumped their families and run off into the sunset with some guy. We've judged them and expressed how we just couldn't imagine doing such a thing. "What about the children?" But how many of you have ever had the thought cross your mind? How close to the edge are any one of us at any time? Doesn't the word say that if you think something you have already done it? (See Matthew 5:28) I know I've been there. We should all have gouged our eyes out a long time ago! But what is the difference between those of us who persevere and those that give in to the lies and temptations? It is simply, choices! We choose what things we will think on, look at, listen to, speak of and which way we will go when we get there. I've been very close to letting myself dwell long enough on a planted thought for it to bear fruit. Manipulating circumstances to go in favor of things "just happening". I've even found myself angry at other people in order to make it their fault I feel a certain way. I'm just being real here. Trust me, I've counseled enough women to know that I'm not the only one. My whole platform has always been REALITY. Bringing out the things no one else wants to admit.
I'm happy to report that I have set myself free and chosen to plug back into the things that are important (after I finish blogging) and get some rest, if that is possible. My twitter addiction will subside when the newness wears off or someone makes me mad and you'll all have to wait for me to blog to get my "mom moments"! I pray you'll be real with yourself and those around you. I understand edicate and the time and place for everything, but don't kid yourself. Be real. Things do happen TO us sometimes, but the rest of our lives are based on our choices and reactions. One of my favorite things to say is "It just is what it is!" Control the things you do have power over. Choose wisely.
I could feel myself becoming annoyed and frustrated with people that, frankly, don't even matter. I'm already pretty sarcastic in humor but find myself crossing the line to condescending and taking little jabs at folks. It may be funny at the time, but knowing who I am and having an over awareness of my own heart, I know that making myself laugh and feel better at someone else's expense is just inappropriate. (Unless it's Gramma ;)
I've been vaguely aware of what's going on around me over the past three weeks of "auto pilot" but I haven't been involved. I woke up sick this morning and even have cold sores starting around my mouth. (I've got a great home remedy for that, by the way.) A clear sign that I've not been taking care of myself, physically or emotionally. I was already feeling a little guilty about the situation, and growing increasingly angry at John for working all hours of the day and night, and then Gramma was staring at me for a while across the table. The usual sarcastic thought crossed my mind "Am I about to burst into flames?" But then I had another thought "Would anyone even notice if I burst into flames?" And there it was, the real issues had breached the surface!!! Recognizing the real issue gave way to more issues. As they flowed, so did anger and lies that had been planted somewhere along the way. I was all in a tiff and started thinking about how "I just need time for ME!" and "What about ME!" and "ME ME ME!" "I've never had my own identity! I need intellectual conversation (mommy, daddy, poo poo, potty, night night, no no...)! I need real romance! I've been taking care of children since my teens, I deserve to have my own life!" Get the picture?
You know what's good about knowing the truth? And when I say knowing, I don't mean "Having heard at some time by some person." No, I mean KNOWING the PERSON that IS TRUTH! You just can't get away with believing the lies! As quickly as the "stuff" started surfacing, the truth came with it. There were definitely a few minutes of excusing my stinky thoughts with "BUT...ME!". I prayed and asked God to forgive me for being selfish and for allowing the things of the world to come in deeper than the things God. Temptations are great when we are selfish. We all know the moms that have dumped their families and run off into the sunset with some guy. We've judged them and expressed how we just couldn't imagine doing such a thing. "What about the children?" But how many of you have ever had the thought cross your mind? How close to the edge are any one of us at any time? Doesn't the word say that if you think something you have already done it? (See Matthew 5:28) I know I've been there. We should all have gouged our eyes out a long time ago! But what is the difference between those of us who persevere and those that give in to the lies and temptations? It is simply, choices! We choose what things we will think on, look at, listen to, speak of and which way we will go when we get there. I've been very close to letting myself dwell long enough on a planted thought for it to bear fruit. Manipulating circumstances to go in favor of things "just happening". I've even found myself angry at other people in order to make it their fault I feel a certain way. I'm just being real here. Trust me, I've counseled enough women to know that I'm not the only one. My whole platform has always been REALITY. Bringing out the things no one else wants to admit.
I'm happy to report that I have set myself free and chosen to plug back into the things that are important (after I finish blogging) and get some rest, if that is possible. My twitter addiction will subside when the newness wears off or someone makes me mad and you'll all have to wait for me to blog to get my "mom moments"! I pray you'll be real with yourself and those around you. I understand edicate and the time and place for everything, but don't kid yourself. Be real. Things do happen TO us sometimes, but the rest of our lives are based on our choices and reactions. One of my favorite things to say is "It just is what it is!" Control the things you do have power over. Choose wisely.
